Dear Conan,
My 10 year old son has become a very big Harry Potter fan over the last few months, but I have very religious parents that wouldn’t approve. He loves talking about Hogwarts, and I don’t want him to have to decide between being chastised by his grandparents or lying about something he loves.
Conflicted Mother
Dear Conflicted Mother,
Thank you for writing. As always, I enjoy hearing the lamentation of the women.
Wait a minute! This is the story of the young boy who becomes the greatest wizard of all by slaying another of his evil, wizard kin! While I do condone wizard-on-wizard crime, you must forbid your child from reading ever again! Instead, start him down the path to a warrior by taking him for “a walk” and then shove him into a fighting pit of your own making! Don’t start him off with anything too dangerous (perhaps only three boar instead of two). Remember: you want to make him a man, not dead. Dead is for wizards.
Dear Conan,
My therapist tells me I need to take a vacation and reconnect with nature, but I’ve rarely been out of the city, let alone on some kind of camping trip. What sort of activities would you recommend?
John from Minneapolis
Dear John,
I do enjoy camping myself. After a day of marauding and pillaging, I enjoy burning the corpses of my enemies as I try on their armor and trinkets, which are always too small (it’s hard being a barbarian in this economy). After they are ash, I burn the ashes! Then, I enjoy some hot dogs.
Another fun outdoor activity is what I call “vulture hunting.” I pretend that I am dead, usually by crucifying myself upon the nearest Tree of Woe. When a vulture, thinking I am dead, flies upon me to feast upon my entrails, I bite its neck, slaying it immediately. Good times.
I also enjoy fishing.
Nothing clears the mind like some quality time outdoors!
Dear Conan,
Big fan of your column! Have already applied a bunch of your advice to my own life, but the guys at the office have asked me to make the new shrine to Crom I’ve erected in the break room “a little more discreet”. Can you suggest ways to do this without besmirching Crom’s honor?
Frank from Delaware
Dear Frank,
Religion in the workplace can be a sensitive issue.
First, regarding making your shrine more discreet, ask yourself some questions. Is your shrine to Crom blocking anything, such as the watercooler or refridgerator? Second, are you maintaining the flame properly? It is acceptable to substitute candles. I prefer tea candles—available from Bed, Bath and Beyond in bulk—when setting up my shrine, especially if I am in a shared area. Third, are the ten dead, sacrificial wizards placed properly around the shrine? Never forget, my friend: neatness counts, especially at the work place.
Dear Conan,
Hello from Iceland. We get very little sunlight during most of the year, and I tend to feel down, especially in winter. Do you know of any good remedies?
Gunnar from Iceland
Dear Gunnar,
Crom laughs at your four gods! He also laughs at seasonal affective disorder, also known as “the winter blues.” This is a common problem when the days grow shorter. Have faith, friend Gunnar. There is no better cure for depression than laughter. And trust me when I say this, when it is time for mirth and merriment, nothing surpasses Beetle Bailey. I find his antics very amusing.
By Crom, this is gold!
Dear Conan,
What did you think of Tron:Legacy?
Pete from Brooklyn
Dear Pete,
What is good is seeing your enemies dead before you and hearing the lamentation of the women. What is not as good was Tron:Legacy. The first Tron built a small but strong cult following, and a good cult it was (unlike the vile cult of Thulsa Doom). Where the first Tron may have looked primitive, with it’s neon lights hand painted on black and white photos, it had a unique, artistic look reminiscent of classic science fiction. The new Tron film replaced this with slick and high tech wizardy. It may have been more impressive, but it was also sterile and generic. Also, the story had no strong arc. By Crom, no arc I tell you! Why did the filmmakers use up all the best action sequences so early, when one cared naught for the characters or the plot? And instead of building upon the story of the first film, a new, disjointed plot was used, one which was explained in voice over halfway through the film. The first lesson taught to me in the gladiator pit was, show don’t tell! I cared not for the characters. And the cool stuff with the light cycles and disc battles were over after the first half hour, leaving me nothing to contemplate but my Raisinets.
Dear Conan,
Some guy keeps sneaking into my religious rituals, disguising himself as a priest, sneaking about with his friends, causing trouble. Everytime I stop him, he keeps coming back. What can I do?
Thulsa D
Dear Thulsa,
Next time you find him, torture him, then crucify him to the Tree of Woe. That should teach him.
Wait a minute . . . . THULSA DOOM! You BASTARD! I will find you and kill you. Vengeance will be mine, I swear it!!
Thanks for reading. And remember . . . if you do not heed my words, then TO HELL WITH YOU!!
