From the fantastic realm of Hyborea comes…

Ask Conan

THE BARBARIAN

Dear Conan,

My son’s determined to get a tattoo. He seems convinced it’ll make him a man. How do I convince him otherwise?

Sincerely,

Concerned Mom in Miami

Dear Concerned Mom,

This is not uncommon. It sounds like your son suffers from a lack of self-confidence. To help boost your son’s self-image, try this: sit him down and tell him that you love him and you will always be there for him. Then throw him naked into a giant pit full of rabid wolves. As he experiences the blessed feeling of flesh pounding against broken bone, and tastes the blood of his enemies in his mouth, he will learn that he does not need tattoos to be a man. His flesh will also be too scarred for them.

Dear Conan,

I’m not sure, but I suspect my husband of cheating. How do I confront him without creating a serious rift between us if I’m wrong?

Sue, Minneapolis

Dear Sue of Minneapolis,

Sorry to hear of this! Infidelity is never a pleasant thing, and trust is the most important ingredient for a good family. If you suspect he is cheating, slash his stomach with a good scimitar, then remove his manhood and wear it around your neck as a warning to all who would cuckold you.

Dear Conan,

I think my cat might be gay. What do I do?

Thanks,

Cat Lover in Ohio

Dear Cat Lover,

If your cat experiences gaiety, so be it. There is nothing wrong with the happiness of an animal. Then, in the future when you skin him and wear his hide as a loincloth, you will remember him happily as his fur warms your nether regions.

Dear Mr. Conan,

Been out of the dating game for a while – my wife left me some time ago. Trying to get back into the swing of things but I’m unconfident and unsure. Any suggestions on how to “get my groove back?”

Regards,

Lonely in New York

To Lonely in New york,

By Crom! Perhaps the women shy away from the house dress you no doubt wear.  Be a man! Slay a dozens foes and hear the lamentation of their women. Then you will be a man, and you will have your pick of any female you choose. If you find time to step away from collecting pansies and writing in your journal, go out in the field of battle or steal the Holy Jewel from the Temple of Set! Ask the warrior woman next to you if she would like to see a movie. Just beware that she does not get struck in the back by a poisonous arrow from Thulsa Doom. Not that I’m thinking of a particular experience of mine—I am just saying!

Dear Conan,

A bear keeps sneaking into my house and stealing my honey. How should I deal with that?

Sincerely,

C. O. Nansucks

Dear Readers,

I will admit that, by Crom, his name was an unfortunate coincidence. However, let it be known that my sword ever thirsts for the blood of pranksters! And it thirsts yet!

Dear Conan,

My iPod keeps crapping out, but I don’t want to spend the money for a new one. What should I do?

Bob 

Dear Bob,

Many problems with any iPod can be solved by simply doing what is called a “hard reset.” This will reboot the machine and return it to its default settings. And make sure the jack is clean of dust and lint. You can buy canned air, which is a clean aerosol that will clean out any debris. It’s an investment, but you will spend five dollars as opposed to hundreds on a new unit. As they say in my homeland, “Better to slay one man today than a thousand of his spawn tomorrow.” If all else fails, make an appointment with the Apple Genius Bar. I’ve found them very helpful and professional.

Dear Conan,

I recently lost my girlfriend, and am having quite a hard time getting over her. What should I do? You had a similar experience, didn’t you? What was her name, Valeria or something?

Thanks,

T. Doom

Dear T. Doom,

Yes, I did lose my woman. Her name was Valeria, and she was slain by an arrow sent by Thulsa Doo… Wait a minute. BY CROM! THULSA! I swear I will have my revenge! I will kill you. That’s all I do! And I will not stop until you are dead!

That is all for this week, fair readers. Until next time, remember… if you do not heed my words, then to HELL WITH YOU!